Why You Should Not Bring Your Parent with You to Visit Graduate Schools

Bottom line: because it make you look bad. Sometimes, really, really bad.

Our first of two recruiting weekends was this past weekend, and we had not one, but two students show up with their fathers. Along with getting obliterated the night before and being visibly hungover at faculty interviews, being blatantly racist or homophobic, or being whiny and demanding, bringing your parent(s) with you on grad school recruiting visits is a giant "no-no." (I'm not the only one out there who thinks so.)

Every now and then we've had students come with a parent, but the parents have never before actually attended all the weekend's events with their child. For example, last year we had the crazy case of a 17 year old being admitted. I get that his mom came with him, he wouldn't have been able to check into the hotel room by himself. (Not that the understandable reason stopped us from mocking him behind his back.) Most of the time a parent comes with their kid to Tucson they come to maybe the first and last dinner of the weekend, but otherwise spend the weekend playing golf or something - not going to poster sessions and department tours!

The guy that came this weekend - he and his dad were actually ok. He was polite, interested in talking to grad students, and seemed to be able to function with out his father. His dad was friendly, and even though he wanted to attend all sorts of events, he made sure we knew that he didn't want to intrude, and had no expectation of attending the interviews with faculty Saturday morning. I think he just wanted an excuse to leave the cold, snowy weather and hang out with his son.

The girl and her dad however? Ho. Ly. Crap. I'll find out next week, but I'm 99% sure she's not going to get a financial offer. The students that we invite for recruiting weekend have already been admitted, however their financial offer is not determined until after we meet them. Not making a financial offer is (almost always) an effective way to discourage socially inept and/or terrible people from coming - basically to correct for the shortcomings that weren't evident on paper.

Her dad was the epitome of overbearing, controlling parent. When given the chance to chat with current grad students and ask questions (something at least as important as talking to the professors) she passed and sat in the corner with her dad. He actually got ANGRY when he was told (and he had to be told!) that he could not attend his daughter's individual meetings with faculty. Really dude? Are you going to attend her job interviews, too? Perhaps come to the lecture hall with her the first Thursday night of every month for the cume?

She was a stuck up little brat, too, for lack of a better description. Friday there's a poster session, after which all the recruits are supposed to list 6 faculty with whom they'd like to talk further the next morning. She only listed 2. As usually happens when students don't list 6 (but they're almost always close at least, sheesh), we fill in the rest of their schedule with other faculty from their division of interest. Saturday morning, she AND her dad both threw fits when they discovered that she had been assigned additional meetings! (Her dad still came to campus with her even after being told he couldn't attend the meetings. The guy's dad was smart enough to hang out at the hotel for the morning.) At that point our grad program coordinator had had it with them and said fine, don't go, but perhaps you should realize that these are the people that will be teaching your classes, writing and grading your cumes, and sitting on your dissertation committee. (i.e. It would be in your best interest to be polite and professional!!!)

At that point both she and her father tried to backtrack and hem and haw like "oh we didn't know that..." Like that's any excuse. First, if you don't at least realize that you will be taking classes from these professors, you're a moron and/or had crappy advisors in undergrad. And second, at the very least you should show some shred of professionalism!!! What is wrong with these people!? I'm guessing that this girl is sufficiently dysfunctional to have wound up without a financial offer even if she had come on her own, but bringing her overbearing, pushy, and rude father with her was shooting herself in the foot.

When prospective grad students come to campus, we (and by "we" I mean faculty, relevant staff, current grad students, and particularly the people from each category on the admissions committee) want to see that the recruits are interested and engaged in the science that goes on here, have the communication and social skills to explain what they currently do and/or are interested in doing, and are reasonably polite and professional in their interactions. Getting a PhD is all about becoming an independent researcher and scientist. If you can't get through this weekend without your parent half a step behind to beat up anybody who doesn't give you your way, you're not going to fare well in grad school. Do you think the professors are going to respond well to an angry phone call from daddy when you fail a cume? Even if you did beat the extremely low odds and manage function on your own, everybody around you will make fun of you mercilessly behind your back for being unable to make your own decision about this at age 20-something. This girl will forever be known as the brat with the overbearing father.

This rant doesn't mean that your parents can't be involved in your decision-making process. I included my parents, but by "included" I mean I called home a day or two after each trip I made to tell them about what I liked or didn't like and to hash-out general impressions. Once my parents realized I wasn't moving any closer to them, they didn't care where I went beyond my relative happiness there. When I had narrowed it down and was debating between two schools I discussed pros/cons with both of my parents over a few more phone calls. They both have advanced degrees, so they offered input where relevant, but other than declaring that a dry heat can't possibly be all its cracked up to be, never pushed me one way or another. Actually to this day I don't know if they secretly had a preference which school I chose.

After this ridiculous encounter with these people I actually wrote my parents an email thanking them for letting me do $h!t on my own and figure things out for myself. Thanks to their not holding my hand every bit of the way I came out of the grad school application process with a far better offer than I ever would have if they had.