Called? Lost?

Since I was about 8, up until I moved to Tucson 3 years ago, I was involved in some form of music ministry. I started with singing in the children's choir (I mean, what other options are there when you're 8?), and in middle school started playing piano for one of the adult choirs in my parish. All through high school I played most of the school liturgies, and even began essentially organizing/running the music ministry at school. In college I went back to "just" singing in the choir until my junior year when I got a "job" as one of the accompanists.

Being involved in the liturgy the way a music minister is was an amazing experience. Because you need to know "cues" and such, and when you're involved in music selection, you inevitably learn SO much more about the masses and as a result about the Church and your faith. I think being involved in the liturgy and the parish in such a way contributed significantly to making God, faith, and parish life such a big part of my life and what's important to me. I'm absolutely certain that if Dick (the director of the adult choir that I first played piano for) hadn't been a creeper (quite a funny story actually) and asked me to (at not quite 13) to play for his choir, I wouldn't be the person I am today.

I am by no means a spectacular pianist. But with time I became a good accompanist and really felt like I was where I belonged.

When I moved to Tucson, it took me a few months to find a parish I felt good about. A lot of the parishes in the mid-town area (where the university is, and where I've always lived) are suuuuper old-school and conservative. Like pre-Vatican II old-school. I really liked the priests at the parish near the university - ever sermon I've heard there has been excellent. But the music is TERRIBLE. Painfully bad. And nobody seems to talk to each other. There is a Newman Center on campus, and the music there is better, but 99% of the congregation is undergrads and alums that are married to each other and never moved on from undergrad. So I just felt really out of place.

Eventually I found the parish I've been going to for almost 3 years now. It has a decent balance of good preaching and good music, with a very active parish life. There's one choir I suppose I could join, but it's pretty much the guy who's the parish music director and a hoard of older women. At that point, fall of my 1st year, I decided that maybe I should try serving in a different fashion. So I started working with the high school youth group.

It's been a good experience, but I feel like I'm not really getting anything out of it anymore, and I'm not really sure I have anything to really offer the high school kids or the other ministers. Not that everybody I've met hasn't been very welcoming and friendly, but I've always been a bit of an outsider in the situation. All of the other ministers are a few years younger than me, which at this age means a huge difference in life situation/experience/needs, and they've grown up in the parish, so they've known each other and lots of people in the parish.

I feel like it's time for me to stop working with the high school youth group, but I also feel like I don't really have a good reason for wanting to stop. I feel like I'm not getting the support or enrichment out of my "faith community" that I did in college, or that I got from music ministry. But I also suspect that I'm not going to find what I'm looking for in my parish, or in Tucson. The time commitment of youth ministry is sometimes hard, but I can/could make it work if I want it to, and they've always been understanding about my sometimes limited availability. I'm having a hard time putting my finger on what it is, but I just feel like I don't belong there anymore.

Unfortunately my biggest reason why I should continue with youth ministry is essentially guilt. Yay Catholic guilt. Without really thinking about it, I told the high school coordinator (also a student with a lot on his plate) that I would continue this year, and I would feel really bad sort of leaving him in the lurch. Other than the adult who is the overall parish director of youth ministry, I'm the only "adult" minister (i.e. the only one over 25 who counts as an adult for legal purposes), making me valuable for fulfilling diocesan requirements and as a chaperon for any outings.

If I don't do high school youth ministry, I feel like I need to do something to be involved in the parish. Actively taking part in more than just attending mass every week pushes me to not be complacent about God or my faith, and I feel that's important. There are upteen various service organizations or projects in the parish that I could probably partake in, but I'm not sure that's really what I'm looking for either. I guess it comes down to feeling like there really isn't anybody else in a remotely similar life situation, so I'd always be sort of the odd man out.

In France I sort of felt the same way, but I knew it was temporary - in a year I'd be back in St Louis in a vibrant faith community, surrounded by my peers, with everything I could want or need (at that point). In a way, I know I'm in Tucson temporarily, but 5 years is an awfully long "temporary." It's long enough that I've really tried to make this feel like home, and in pretty much every way except church, it is.

I'm not entirely sure what I'm looking for, but I feel like the best I can do for now is to find something to make the best of until it's time to move on. And that feels like "settling." Which doesn't really feel right either.