Wanted

"Tactful assertive interpersonal skills". Best preferred qualification I've seen in a job posting yet.

P.S.

To those of you who read that last post as one giant paragraph, I'm very sorry.  Blogger on my iPad can't seem to handle even basic formatting such as paragraphs.  It's fixed now.

Shark week started this morning.  Shoot me.  Yay for heightened anxiety.  (Not that I don't think almost everything I just rambled about isn't anxiety-worthy on a normal day.)

The guys from the post doc in northern NJ emailed this morning - their higher ups want assurance that I really will be done by August.  The Queen and I gave them this assurance, along with a summary of my dissertation writing progress and what's left to do.  Since my offer there hinges on this project being funded, I was very, very clear with them when we first started talking about this that I needed to continue looking for other options, and that even if they were funded, if I had a better offer (in terms of money or geography), I'd probably take it.  They were totally ok with this, saying I wouldn't be "screwing them over" if I took something else (their words, no joke).  Though this was when we all thought they had 9 months to fill the post doc upon receiving project approval/funding, but apparently that has changed to 6 months.  And it sounds like they should hear back about their proposal "by May", which for all practical purposes is NOW.  Crap.  The people in Lancaster had better get their act together and realize they should want me.

Oh, the swamp cooler has been serviced and is running for the year.  So there's one thing off the to-do list at least.  My mother would have killed me if she'd come out here for commencement and it weren't running yet.  (Not that it's running and perfect operation will prevent her from whining about the heat.)

Time to find some caffeine and some chocolate.

Sleepless Ramblings

I can't sleep. It's quarter past 3 and I've been wide awake for the past hour and a half.

Aside from the predicted high of only 80 on Thursday, summer has hit in Tucson. We had a record high of 101 on Sunday. Overnight lows are in the 60s, so I suppose at least we're not to the worst of it when it stops cooling off overnight (lows in the 80s, which is still insane to think about after 5 years). But it's mid April, so the swamp cooler isn't on for the summer yet, I'm cold without my sheet, but hot with it, and not yet reacclimated to sleeping with a fan on me.

I've been dieting for the past 2 1/2 months with the help of an app on my iPad. It's actually been going quite well, except Saturday I got fit for my bridesmaid's dress for E's wedding in June, so I can't lose anymore weight before then of the dress won't stay up (the tailor is already taking it in 2+ inches on both sides...whoops...). So I switched the app settings to maintain my current weight, and after working out this morning and playing softball tonight I finished today 775 calories under "goal." After really not eating particularly healthy or skimpy today. I don't want to not work out between now and the wedding because that isn't healthy either and I don't want to lose all my muscle! This is going to take some getting used to... 

The anxiety in the office surrounding the move seems to have at least temporarily calmed as people are over the shock and looking into their various options, but my anxiety just seems to be getting worse. I'm getting more and more worried about my last experiments not working and not having enough (good) data to put on my poster for ASMS or the last chapter of my dissertation. ASMS is going to be a huge time suck between now and May 25th. I kind of wish I weren't going, but I argued my way into going because I was worried I wouldn't have a job by then and then I worked hard to gather more than enough outside travel funding, and got a poster abstract accepted and then had to convince the organizers to reschedule it for another day when it conflicted with Little Sister's high school graduation. So I have to go, and yes this means I'm taking the 5 am flight from Boston to Vancouver the day after graduation.

The whole not having a job yet thing is also a major source of anxiety. There's a potential post doc in northern NJ that looks promising - they've submitted an internal proposal for the project and if they get funded (they think their odds are good) I will have an offer. But the project would be a collaboration with The Queen, and the more the move situation unfolds the more I want to just cut ties and move on completely, and the outskirts of NYC/Newark is really pretty high on my list of places I've never wanted to live. I found a post doc opening actually in Lancaster last week that I am unbelievably perfectly qualified for and obviously applied right away, but I'm nervous I won't hear anything at all back from them (like most of the other jobs I've applied for) or that the salary will be garbage or that it will be another case of a company trying to save themselves $30k by listing a "real" PhD-level job as a post doc (yet another thing I've discovered I have to be wary of when looking at job postings). But speaking of "real job" vs post doc, I'd much rather have a real job than a post doc, but very few people seem to be hiring new grads and most want proteomics expereience, which I don't have and really hate anyways.

Then there's this weird pain in the lower right corner of my mouth. If it's actually something real I'm sure it would be super expensive to fix, and surprise surprise, the student health plan doesn't include dental coverage, and the thought of thousand(s) of dollars of dental expenses when I'm trying to save for a cross-country move and potential unemployment makes me nauseous. Not to mention I HATE the dental practice I've been going to and don't remotely trust 95% of what they tell me. And dental work = through the roof anxiety. Just listening to somebody in the next room getting a filling sets me on edge. I leave every dentist visit drenched in sweat and with achy back and shoulders from clenching my muscles so hard. God I hope my wisdom teeth haven't finally decided to make their presence known.

I'm terrified that between ASMS, mine and Little Sister's graduation schenanigans, and E's wedding (crap, have to figure out bachelorette stuff still) that I'll never finish my dissertation in time. Our group admin is trying to schedule my final seminar and defense for some time in July, because The Queen leaves in early August and I'm not sure I can be done any sooner, but The Queen is going to be out of town for like half of July (and who knows about the rest of my committee members...). On top of worrying that I won't finish in time, my best guess at the moment is that my dissertation will be about 200 pages, which looking at past dissertations out of my group seems inadequate. A friend commented today that she's at 236 pages and not even close to done. I keep telling myself that nobody wants to read even 200 pages of dissertation, never mind 300+ pages, but 200 pages just doesn't seem like it could possibly be representative of 5 years of grad school misery. And I'm quite sure I'd cry on the spot if they told me at my defense that it wasn't going to cut it (never mind that I'm not at all convinced that anybody - including The Queen - will read it and I've never heard of anybody failing their defense here, and my committee seemed satisfied at my 6 month meeting in December).

Great. Now it's 4. You can probably why see I'm having a hard time sleeping. Tomorrow/today is going to be a mess.

Wine vs Whine

I have to say, dissertation writing at home, with a glass (or two) of wine, is SO much better than dissertation writing in my office, surrounded by annoying, crazy, and or extremely stressed out people.  Not that their anxiety isn't currently warranted, but still.  It rubs off, and makes me anxious and less productive.  I've written 5 pages already today, and it's only 2 pm.  (While that may not sound like a lot, anybody who's written or currently writing a dissertation knows that it is!)

P.S. My classmate who came over to write, just asked me if "hydrogenator" is a word.  If it's not, it definitely should be.

When is a "good" time to give bad news?

So The Queen made her big announcement Friday afternoon, approximately 3 1/2 months before she leaves.  Graduate students who are moving with our advisor theoretically don't have to go at exactly the same time she does (although that would certainly make the most sense for most situations).  Theoretically and practically speaking, people probably have about 2 months to decide what they're doing.  While there isn't a particular hurry for grad students to decide if they're staying or going, the longer they take to decide the more time is "wasted" towards getting their degrees.

Some people think she should have told students sooner.  But I'm not sure there really is a good, or even better time to give news that is inevitably going to flip people's lives upside down.  Does having four, or six months, rather than two make that sort of decision any easier?  I'm not remotely convinced that it does, though at the same time, all the reasons for not telling people, especially students, sooner mostly sound pretty selfish.

Obviously for students who are going to switch groups, the sooner they find out, they sooner they can make the change and continue making progress towards their degrees.  Although for students who are going to drop out, delaying the announcement means they have more work done, and have more research done that could go into a masters thesis (assuming the previous couple of months have been "good" lab months).

The sooner students know, students who are going to move are much more likely to make sure they're not going to be in a situation of breaking a lease.  Breaking a lease can be super expensive.  More expensive than most grad students can really afford.

I definitely agree with an advisor not saying anything until the decision is definite.  (Although in this case I'm quite sure that The Queen was sure about this a LONG time ago.)  There's no reason to throw people into upheaval and angst if it may not turn out to be necessary after all.

From an advisor's perspective, it's easy to see why one might put off such an announcement as long as possible.  They're facing a "lame duck" period no matter what.  It's awkward to tell your colleagues and superiors that you're leaving, especially when many people will be upset by such an announcement, and then hang around for any longer than absolutely necessary.  Not to mention you'd only be extending the lab's inevitable down time.  In an ideal world, the lab can be packed up, moved across the country, unpacked, and sensitive/delicate instruments up and running within 2-3 weeks.  In reality, it's probably going to be longer than that.  Productivity will also decline in general well before the lab is packed.  Students who switch groups will do that as soon as possible, and that could mean a substantial percentage of the lab's "workforce."  Anybody who is moving with the lab, but unhappy about it, is unlikely to be productive.  Happy grad student is much more likely to equal productive grad student than an unhappy one is.

I don't know what the "right" time for such an announcement is.  It's all going to be a giant mess no matter what.

Upheaval

Have I told you lately that I'm very, very glad to be graduating soon?  Maybe?  Well now I have extra reason to be very glad I'm almost done, and extra motivation to finish as fast as possible.

The Queen announced last Friday that she's moving to another university in August.  Yikes.  We have a really large research group - 18 grad students.  That's A LOT of lives to turn upside down.  Fifth years and up will graduate ASAP.  Fourth years might have the option to stay behind and finish, depending on personal circumstances, project, and actual closeness to graduation.  Third years are royally screwed.  The second years and first years are early enough in their graduate studies that switching groups (if they decided not to go with The Queen) wouldn't set them back very much (if at all) if they decided not to go.

Third years are really too far from graduation for them to stay behind to finish their research, but they've already made substantial progress towards their dissertation.  They could move with The Queen, leaving behind the lives they've been building here (and homes owned!) for the past 3 years much sooner than they were planning.  They could conceivably switch groups, but this would likely set them back at least a year, and would require a complete change in project.  The only possible exception to this is one student who could possibly switch into his collaborator's group and continue more or less on what he's been doing.  They could also drop out.  Sadly, it's entirely possible that at least one of them will.  They could get MAs, which would only require filing paperwork.  Or they could quickly wrap up what they're currently working on, and write up a thesis for an MS.

I'm so incredibly grateful that if this had to happen that it's at this point in my graduate career.  But it still sucks watching my friends and labmates struggling with a really, really difficult decision.

Random Funny

I saw this poster taped to a utility box on my way to school a couple of weeks ago.  Apparently it was an actual event.  Too funny.

Birthday Cupcakes

A friend's birthday was Friday, and I offered to make/bake something for the gathering that night.  I wasn't sure she'd want cake/cupcakes, because she really isn't into sweets (although give her a bag of potato chips...).  I offered a few suggestions I thought she might like - booze based or salted caramel to appeal steer clear of the super sweet stuff.  She replied that her favorite cakes were tiramisu and carrot cake.  I've never made tiramisu (though I have successfully made lady fingers!), and I'm under the impression it has to soak for quite a while, so I went home from working planning to make carrot cupcakes.  I knew there was a recipe I liked (aside from the cream cheese frosting of course) in my cupcake cookbook.  When I was looking for the carrot cake recipe I found a recipe for tiramisu cupcakes - that didn't require soaking!  Looking at both recipes, I was only missing 1-2 ingredients for each, and couldn't decide between them, so the obvious solution was to make both. :)

The tiramisu cupcakes were awesome.  I really, really liked them.  They weren't really the same texture as tiramisu, but they were the right flavors.  The "frosting" actually had raw, whipped egg whites - the frosting was more in line with the texture you expect from tiramisu.  It was the first time I served anybody uncooked egg.  In principle it doesn't bother me (though I know it bothers E big time), but I figured serving them to a bunch of drunks would be a safe opportunity.  If people got sick, excessive alcohol consumption is a far more likely culprit (unless EVERYBODY gets sick, but shhh!).

You see the carrot cupcake?  Good.  Now imagine them with cream cheese frosting flecked with cardamom and orange zest.  I'm a space cadet and forgot to take a photo after frosting them...

Tiramisu cupcakes

Creature of Habit

Does it mean I go to the grocery store kind of a lot if the cashier who rang me up tonight not only recognized me but noticed I haven't been in in a few weeks?

Looks like maybe I'll need to tell my regular cashiers at the grocery store when I graduate and leave, not just my friends and co-workers... What a funny idea.

Easter Tradition

Happy Easter!  My first year of grad school, somebody brought a pinata to Easter dinner.  My French classmate though this was very strange, but we assured him that it was an American tradition to have a pinata at Easter.  We have faithfully maintained this story, having a pinata at Easter every year since.  I present to you, five years of Easter pinatas!

First Year

Second Year

Third Year

Fourth Year

Fifth Year

The pinata this year was rock solid.  Last year one crack took down the unicorn, but this year probably a dozen people got to take some swings.  It's always more fun when it lasts longer.

Somehow I suspect I'm going to be hunting for a pinata for wherever I have Easter next year...  I wonder what my family would think of that... :)

Academia is even dumber.

Within the span of 48 hours:

Monday night I realized that I've been put on the department colloquium schedule without any notice.

Because I won that award/competition last year, I'm supposed to give colloquium at some point this year.  Colloquium is the department-wide seminar series, usually with outside, already-PhD-having speakers, as opposed to the mostly student seminar series within each division.  But I never got put on the colloquium schedule, and since I only got "half won" and got half the prize money, and giving my final seminar in the Analytical seminar series would be less scary, I didn't complain.  Some time late last semester I got put on the Analytical seminar schedule for the last week of April.  Then last week I talked to the Queen, and we decided to just wait until I defend this summer and give my final seminar then.  So I got removed from the Analytical schedule, and the date was given to somebody else who wanted it.  Sounds good.

Monday night, E sends me a message asking if I knew I was scheduled to give colloquium May 3rd.  No.  No, I didn't know that.  Yesterday I asked the Queen if she had meant for that to happen.  Nope, she didn't know anything about it either.  If E hadn't happened to look at the colloquium schedule a month from now, see my name, think that was odd, and ask if I knew about it, I wouldn't have had any idea until the Friday before.  At which point I would have thrown a royal fit.  I am NOT giving a 50 minute, department-wide seminar with less than a week's notice.  Who on earth thinks that it's appropriate to schedule a student for that kind of presentation without ever informing them or their advisor???

Wednesday night I realized that neither the department nor the university think I'm graduating.

Tiff and I were having another dissertation date last night, and she said something about somebody from the Grad College harassing her for her dissertation title, because something or other couldn't be printed until she had it.  Ummm, what?  Nobody has asked for my dissertation title.  Tiff had another email just that afternoon about commencement - what time to show up, the requirement to wear and cap and gown to be hooded, etc.  I haven't had a single email about commencement.  And come to think of it, my invitation to the department awards/commencement lunch said I was invited because of a couple of awards.  Not because I'm a graduating student.  WTF.  Even my invitation to the department awards/commencement lunch only mentioned a couple of awards, nothing about being a graduating student.

This morning I frantically went to our grad program coordinator, and sure enough, my "committee appointment form" never got filed with the graduate college.  No idea how or why.  Apparently it should have been filed at least 6 months before I plan to defend (we're definitely within that window now, considering my funding runs out in 4 months).  When I asked how I was supposed to know to do that, I was told that now it happens automatically when you pass your oral.  Yeah.  I passed my oral three years ago.  It sounds like the process for this form changed sometime while I've been in grad school and I slipped through the cracks.  Awesome.  The form got submitted this morning.  Hopefully people get their shit together and my name gets read and is listed in the program.  Because I want to be hooded damnit.  And should my parents actually get their act together and come out here for commencement, I sure as hell want my name in the program, because I'm the one who's going to have to listen to my mother bitch about it if it's not.  ARRGGGGHHHH!!!!

A post in which I brag about how funny my "kids" are

Ok, not my kids.  I don't have kids.  In this case I mean a couple of my cousins.

I spent almost an entire week in Connecticut before/during/after Gramma's funeral, and it was great.  All my aunts and uncles are awesome, and holidays are always so busy and mean lots of people around, so it was really nice to have an extended chance to hang out with them (even if instigated by a shitty occasion).  I haven't spent that much time there since I was a kid.  I had lots of time to just hang out and chat and catch up with my youngest aunt (who's really more like an older sister than an aunt), play with my young cousins (youngest aunt's children), go running with my uncle, and play cards with Grandpa (who keeps referring to Boyfriend as my "young man" haha).

My aunt's three girls are 12 (C), 10 (G), and almost 7 (M).  The oldest has a thing for cupcakes, but with three kids and a full time job, my aunt doesn't exactly have much time to bake with her, so I helped her make cupcakes from scratch (with three kids, mix is the standard!) using some of the goodies I got her for her birthday.

[Side story - I'll try not to make this a habit... At Christmas, all the nieces' and nephews' names are thrown into a pool, and each aunt or uncle draws two and gets a gift for just those two kids.  Well, there are 5 aunts/uncles, and currently 13 grandchildren.  The baby isn't in the pool yet...and to make the numbers work out, I got booted from the pool a few years ago, and told that I was going to buy for one of my "nieces or nephews" - i.e. cousins.  Nice deal, huh?  Anyways, when I discovered C's cupcake thing last fall, I claimed her for Christmas.  No worries, the  drawing is totally fixed every year. :P  Anyways, I had a blast assembling a cupcake/cooking/baking themed gift for her - a ton of fun cupcake liners and sprinkles, her own set of piping tips, I made her an apron (she was just on the border between being too big for the kids' sizes and growing into the adult aprons), and gave her a plastic index card box and a set of index cards to have her own recipe file.  Hilarious, but the recipe file has been by far the most popular item in that collection.  She even took it to school to show her friends.  Well the niece/nephew exchange never got set up for Christmas, with my uncle dying in early December (yeah, it's been a shitty several months), so we decided to just hold on to the gift for C to open for her birthday in February.]

We made s'mores cupcakes, adapted from recipes from Ming Makes Cupcakes.  We used the chocolate cupcake and marshmallow frosting from Recipe #8, and adapted the frosting to be vanilla marshmallow instead of mint.  The frosted cupcakes were then dipped in crushed graham cracker and topped with chocolate chips.  They weren't the fanciest cupcake I've ever made, but they were certainly tasty, and everybody enjoyed them.  Cake and frosting made from scratch are always better than from store-bought mixes.  It was fun teaching C how to measure flour (spoon into the measuring cup, then level with a knife - DON'T scoop!), and having her essentially make them herself.  She was suuuuper excited about it all.

The next day, my aunt and cousins drove me down to the train station so I could head back to PA to spend a week with Boyfriend, and I had the following conversation with the youngest girl, M, who's not quite 7.  All three girls have been getting ready for the international fair at school the next night, and M is talking about her part in this.

M: My class has Mexico.

Me: M, do you know where I live?

M: Ummmmmm.  No.

Me: I live in Arizona.  Like you live in Connecticut, I live in Arizona.  Do you know what's next door to Arizona?

C: Mexico!

Me: Yep, Mexico is next to Arizona.  I live only an hour and a half from Mexico.

M: We've been learning about all the animals that live in Mexico.  Lizards, and this weird rabbit kinda thing.

Me: Did you learn about javelinas?

M: What?

Me: Javelinas.  They're like pigs, but hairy.  But they're not actually related to pigs. 

M: Oh, weird. 

M: I have to draw a picture of something Mexican [for the international fair].  I'm going to draw a taco.

Me: [hysterical laughter] 

M: I'm even going to draw it with cheese.  Lettuce, tomato, and cheese.

On the way back home from dropping me off at the train station, they all had this funny conversation that my aunt emailed to me when she got home.  Yes, they all call me Annie.  So does J.

M: Can we go visit Annie?  If we did, then we could go to Mexico.  That would be great to go to Mexico.

Aunt: Well, Annie hasn't even been to Mexico.  It's not very safe near her.  Plus, Annie won't be there too much longer.  Soon she is going to be finished with school and she is going to get a job.

M: Oh, probably in a bakery.

Aunt: [in her head...wow...5 years for a phd and a bakery position...at least all that chemistry would help with the proper rising knowledge!]

C: I hope she gets a job closer to us.

Aunt: She is hoping to get one in PA or NJ so she can be closer to us and Boyfriend.

C: But I thought you said NJ is awful! 

Aunt: Oops!! ;-)

Yesssss!  Little M has me getting a job in a bakery based on ONE cupcake whose making I merely supervised!  Because I live so far away, I really don't get to cook for them very often at all.  But score!  I totally laughed out loud when I read that conversation on my train ride back to PA (Amtrak has free wifi!!). :)

I didn't take any photos of the cupcakes, but here are some javelina photos to make up for it.

Appalachian Trail

Over the weekend Boyfriend and I hiked the Appalachian Trail!  Well...4.5 miles of it just north of Harrisburg, PA...

We obviously only made a small dent in the trail, but it was nice to get out for a hike.  This section goes along the top of a ridgeline that leads away from the Susquehanna River.  The forest wasn't really green yet, just the floor.  And we got sprinkled on just a bit on the way back.  Quite different from hiking in Arizona...

So...who are you again?

Two weeks ago, my grandmother died, so we had cause for the whole extended family to get together.  Now my mom is one of 5 children, all of whom are married with kids, so this means a lot of people.  In this case though, all of my mom's aunts, uncles, and cousins were around, too.  Gramma was one of I think 7 kids, all of whom were also married with children.  Throw in all the neighbors, coworkers, and family friends from throughout the past 50+ years, and this meant LOTS of people that I probably haven't ever met, or if I had met them, it's likely been at least a decade since I last saw them.  Some of the names were familiar to me, if not the faces, and lots of these people at least knew of me if they didn't actually recognize me.

Sure enough, the combination of lots of people, people who think they should know who they are, or who vaguely know who you are, leads to lots of confusion and funny stories.

All evening at the wake, Little Sister and I had an ongoing competition with two of our cousins (who are brothers) to see who knew the most people there, outside of our generation and our aunts/uncles.  Since our parents live further away, they didn't have all the coworkers and friends that our cousins' mom  had there, so we lost pretty badly.  The funeral home was pretty packed all night - like I said, big family, and then a bunch of friends and in-laws (and even in-laws of in-laws at one point! so sweet! I hope I wind up with such awesome in-laws someday!) of everybody.  Between the two of us, Little Sister and I only knew 25 people.  It was pretty sad.  Lots of awkward introductions.

Whoever came up with the receiving line style of doing wakes (and weddings for that matter) should be shot.  They're miserable.  Generally speaking, the line at Gramma's wake consisted of Grandpa (who stood there chatting with EVERY single person who came through for FOUR hours - such a trooper) and the 5 kids and their spouses.  As the night went on, the line got shorter and shorter - people stepped out to sit for a few minutes, or find the restroom, or track somebody down to catch up, etc.  So at some point when the line looked rather short, I jumped in line with my aunts and uncles, and for a while Little Sister came with me too.  Some people could place me, but to help, the line I generally used was that I'm the oldest grandchild.  At one point when Little Sister was next to me, some woman I don't know gets to us, and while gesturing to both my sister and I, I tell her that "we're the oldest grandchild."  Right.  Sarah just looked at me like I'd lost my mind.  Which by that point I mostly had.

At the wake I was standing next to my youngest uncle for a while.  He's my mom's baby brother, and is actually closer in age to me than to my mom.  Within the span of ten minutes, one person asked if I were his wife, and another asked if I were his daughter.  Yikes.

[Side story.  My freshman year of high school, my parents got me tickets to see the Barenaked Ladies on New Year's Eve in Boston.  However they certainly weren't going to let 15-year-old me go into Boston on New Year's Eve unchaperoned.  So mom recruiting this uncle to take me.  At that point in time, I looked quite old for my age, and he still had his hair. :)  The 11 year age gap looked much smaller than it was, and even my grandmother make cracks about how it would look like we were on a date.]

I've mentioned before that my sister and I look quite similar.  This does not help out extended relatives trying to figure out who you are.  I had a number of people ask if I still lived at home...logical if I were my sister, who is a senior in high school.  Little Sister had a number of people ask how she was liking Arizona...

The funniest in my book though, was at the reception after the burial.  Little Sister and I were sitting at a table together, when somebody (one of mom's cousins? maybe?) came up and asked which of us was the senior in high school!  Now Little Sister really doesn't look older than her age, definitely not more than a couple of years.  Yeah, I could pass for a few years younger than I am, but I'm quite sure I don't look 17!  I could keep it together and swallow the laughter at most of the ridiculous things people said that week, but not this one.  We both burst out laughing on the spot.